[this is a biggin]
I was sitting talking to Kate/Mel/Haley this A.M. when it dawned on me that my current relationship is that of what I had in my relationships with Young Life. I had to remove a fifteen year old for some serious allegations for work. With several testimonies the Judge granted me to remove her. So I did. Over the years I've learned to trust my instincts, to really listen to what the my mind, the chemistry going on inside of me, how information is settling in, praying for guidance/discernment to determine if things are right for this child/family. I worked extra hard to figure this out, because she sure wasn't voicing it. Right to me means good, pure, of what's best for someone. This case has been one of the hardest, emotionally draining, and trying. The first night, I had to place her somewhere she didn't want to be. She fought me, cursed my name, and refused to cooperate. I've never experienced a kid not like me, or not want to talk to me, but think I was the enemy. From my seat, I was doing what was right, what was just. She sure didn't think so. The night went on, and she caved, due to a few manipulative tactics I pulled. I ended up rubbing her back and I told her I would be there everyday to see her. Since she isn't talking of what's going on or was going in her life, I figured I could be the one to gain her trust. I went home boo-hoo-ing to friends and my dear mother. She gets the call when things aren't going right at work. Anyways, the next day I showed up. [YL and "showing up"] The next day she sobbed for me not to leave her. The desperation in her eyes .. crippled me. It was confusing, as she hated me the previous night. I felt confused in my role: social worker, only person who can communicate with her, disciplinarian, believer in Jesus - our Redeemer, Healer, Comforter, Peace, Just and Loving God, yet I simultaneously did not trust her testimony and still have to protect her. It's all .... confusing. We're over a week into our daily relationship. We talk over fast food meals, she calls me 3 times a day, or sobs over the phone to me during my time out with friends.
My initial thought was to love her so she would talk. Now ... I just love her. I mean, no one has EVER loved her. She's been abandoned from one person to the next. She's seen things no child should ever see. She is beautiful inside and out, and thankfully I've been able to see her true colors. True colors of being a child. She updates me on the gossip around her with the kids. She talks to me about cool clothes and what's not cool. She is being crushed on and she's back in school. Come on, she's a teen. We now are talking about her future, college, dorm days, relationships, marriages, children, grandchildren and what healthy living looks like. She goes to her "crazy place" as Kim or Tori would refer to. We all have it, some just are better at accessing it - or being run over by the "crazy place". She calls me in rage. She shuts me out, and pushes me away. She is run over by the all consuming anxiety, that Beau Hughes spoke at the Village two weeks ago. Her mind doesn't stop. I have some theories on why, the causes, and what would be best for her, but I'll close my mouth. Sitting at the local Wendy's, eating my nasty cheeseburger and dreaming of Pot Belly, I'm watching this young neglected little girl tell me how she protected her mom while her mom shot up in the car. She would watch out for police and make sure they didn't catch her. She was touched by a stranger in a way that ruined her innocence. No one wanted her. And honestly no one does now either. I've put in 200% to find her biological father, his relatives, her mother, her mother's relatives but no one wants her. I showed up to her alleged paternal grandmother's home. I explained her my role, the current situation in need of a home for her alleged grand daughter, and her response was "We aren't even sure if she's our blood. Where's her mother's side of the family?" I was disgusted. What is wrong with people? I just met her and would be willing to change my life to raise her if they'd let me and this lady's initial response was such?
So here I am. She and I. We are now a "we".
I want to believe that our talks of God, prayer, hope, comfort, abundant life are just the beginning. My flesh wants to curse God's name for my dear friend, but the other praises him. Praising him for protecting her - she's a fighter. She doesn't act out [except yelling at me] and perseveres. She's able to access her emotions and talk about how she feels. She's been turning to prayer and she doesn't know why. She transparently proclaims to partially believe in a God. She's willing to dream and willing to believe what God has for her, who she already is, and the role of a Father in Heaven and she His loving daughter. The outside world might disagree, and so does she, but I sure don't.
I don't know where our path goes, what her story will be, but she's changed mine. I feel like I've learned how to parent, how it is to love without return, reinforced my role on planet Earth, and challenged me when I felt broken myself. There is great need out there. I think we all just have to put ourselves out there to be used. May it be Church Missions, feeding the homeless, holding our tongue when we are cut off in the car, or not fussing about the unfussy things. We are broken, needy of our Creator. I think many, if not all, need a physical example of God's strong grip, his Everlasting Love, and his tender yet firm arms to hold us. I'm begging she gets this, one after the next, from me, her attorney ... who's next? I can't wait!
